DD’s Fair Trade – Version 2

Hey everybody. I’m finally ready for your feedback, thanks so much for offering and then hanging on a month for me to wrap it up. This is actually a 2nd draft. After getting some initial feedback (and a lot of help and encouragement) I was able to trim this way down to what you see below.

What I’m looking for in the regards to feedback is broad strokes. Is it too complicated? Too corny? Does it suck? Does it make sense? What would make it better? What I’m going for is that kind of magic simplicity of the books we had growing up, a la that Damon twist. I know its not there yet.

Thanks again, and tear it shreds (if need be) :)!!!

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DD is always getting into trouble, and her younger brother isn’t.

 

DD (6-years old big sister- short dark fly away manga-ish hair) sitting on the floor with arms crossed, on the floor looking dejected looking up at Jake(3-years old, sandy brown hair, mischievous  pug-nosed face), while Jake dances around her with a (bowl of ice cream?)

 

One night while watching movies, DD got sent to bed for “disturbing.” Without dessert.

 

DD sits on Jake’s wrestle behind the corner of the sofa. DD is pinning him down. Jake is yelling. We see adults legs standing as if in mid turn. There is a TV on before the sofa. On the TV is movie is a clip of “The Day the Earth Stood Still”

 

“I wish alsines would come and take YOU away” DD says, staring at her sleeping brother.

 

DD stands behind the crib with her arms resting over the headboard glaring down at sleeping Jake.

 

“I would go outside and signal them to come down with my flashlight.”

 

A thought balloon fills the space above DD’s head. Inside we see her standing outside in a driveway pointing a flashlight at the night sky.

 

“After traveling all that way, they’d be hungry.”

 

DD and a small crew of alien girl-scout types hanging out in the kitchen, eating through files of junkfood. Refrigerator doors wide open DD is pointing at a bag of corn chips, explaining something.

 

“We’d probably play and then to show their thanks, they’d give me something”

 

The aliens all stand just inside DDs bedroom all facing her. The alien in front presents a futuristic cepter with glowing lights to DD.

 

“Of course I’d have to offer them something in return.”

 

Look down from above a UFO we see Jake playing with the aliens inside a domed glass cockpit. Below DD waves up the pilot, who is waving back down.

 

“Mom and Dad probably wouldn’t even notice you were gone.”

 

DD stands at the kitchen table before a huge pile of pancakes. Dad is flipping more at the stove and mom beams at DD from the other side of the table. Very birthday party vibe.

 

“Without you around, I’d get all new toys.”

 

Mom Dad and DD walk through the toy aisles of a department store (maybe something cooler?)

 

“I’d play all day and all night with them.”

 

DD surrounded by a mountain of toys, dressed like a queen, like a queen holding a scepter while her barbie dolls and Jakes transformers march across her bedroom floor under the control of the scepter.

 

“But after a while I’d need someone to race bikes with”

 

DD sits on her bike in the driveway, looking down at an empty tricycle next to her

 

“And play Monopoly”

 

DD sits across a table staring down at a board game laid out before her. Her barbies lay hunched over the board watching.

 

“So then I’d have to build a rocket to go and get youback.”

 

Using the magic in the scepter, she builds a rocket out of stuff from her bedroom.

 

“They wouldn’t want to give you back you back, so there would be a big space battle.”

 

In space we see her rocket flying towards a  legion of UFOs in formation flying between her and the planet below.

 

“I’d win.”

 

DD stands in a space suit on a pile of smoking UFOs, captain morgan style, her hands on her hips, big smile on her face

 

You might not want to come back, but you’re my brother, so too bad.”

 

DD pilots the rocket with one hand as she holds her wriggling brother under her other arm.

 

“When we got home, we’d race bikes and play Monopoly.”

 

Jake and DD ride their bikes through the living room while the monopoly board and pieces go flying.

 

“I’d win.”

 

Mom and Dad carry DD on their shoulders as she hoists a huge trophey over her head. Confetti falls from the sky. Everyone is joyous. Even Jake is cheering for DD.

 

“Then Mom would buy us ice cream, and you’d give me all your green bubblegums, like always.”

 

Jake and DD gobble down ice cream sundaes. DD’s is taller with several flavors of ice cream, while Jake’s is blue with bubble gums. There’s a small pile of green spheres in a blue puddle next to Jakes bowl. We see this inside the same thought bubble the story began in, and DD’s sleepy-faced head below it.

 

“I guess I don’t want aliens to take you.”

 

Over DDs shoulder we see the sleeping Jake in his crib.

 

“Good night.”

 

DD is bundled up under her covers the lights are off. We see the crib just beyond her. And the bedroom window beyond that. In the window is the moon, and silhouetted in the moon, a flying saucer?

 

Now in the Works: The Shead

Finally I endeavor again into the realm of comics and graphic novels with this ‘joint’ venture along side my old Portland roomie, musician and artist extraordinaire: A little bit biography, a little bit Kauffman. Check out some sample’s below, and stay tuned!

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Rudy’s Kids Menu

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